It's just that when a person says something like "I wanted movies to be my life" the other person should say something like "well, what happened? Why aren't they your life?" Well, I'll tell you why they aren't. I was brought up by a mean step-3rd cousin. My step-3rd cousin you ask? Well, she was my step-mother's 2nd cousin on her father's side. What happened to your step-mother you ask? She died at the hairdresser's under one of those industrial-strength hair dryers. She went in for a perm, dehydrated to begin with--she was a sun worshipper--and the dryer just sucked the last drop of moisture from her body. She shrivelled up like a prune. Anyway, to make a long story short, my mean step 3rd cousin thought I should be a doctor. I wanted to be a director--you know, make independent films about ordinary people who work in buildings--but it was "you have to go to medical school" everyday of my life. I'd ask over and over "Please, can I watch a movie?" and she'd just say "Movies are evil. Movies are evil. MOVIES ARE EVIL!" And, now, here I am. I'm sad. Sad, you ask? Yes, I'm very unhappy. My life is all about me. I live alone--I don't count the parakeet--and all I do is play Nintendo and listen to Miss Britney Spears--I like to keep up with the youth of America. I need...I need...I don't know what I need. Just help me. Please. Tell me what to do, Santa. I thought I'd try the personal ads, but such things are for losers. Plus, what if I place an ad and no one answers? Well, I'll just die, that's what. But if I don't get out and meet someone, it'll be me and the parakeet forever. But what if I do meet someone and she/he doesn't like Miss Britney? I don't think I could date someone who doesn't like Miss Britney. No, I can't--"movies are evil, movies are evil, movies are evil..."
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Dr. Igloo's Monologue from Couch Potato Santa
It's just that when a person says something like "I wanted movies to be my life" the other person should say something like "well, what happened? Why aren't they your life?" Well, I'll tell you why they aren't. I was brought up by a mean step-3rd cousin. My step-3rd cousin you ask? Well, she was my step-mother's 2nd cousin on her father's side. What happened to your step-mother you ask? She died at the hairdresser's under one of those industrial-strength hair dryers. She went in for a perm, dehydrated to begin with--she was a sun worshipper--and the dryer just sucked the last drop of moisture from her body. She shrivelled up like a prune. Anyway, to make a long story short, my mean step 3rd cousin thought I should be a doctor. I wanted to be a director--you know, make independent films about ordinary people who work in buildings--but it was "you have to go to medical school" everyday of my life. I'd ask over and over "Please, can I watch a movie?" and she'd just say "Movies are evil. Movies are evil. MOVIES ARE EVIL!" And, now, here I am. I'm sad. Sad, you ask? Yes, I'm very unhappy. My life is all about me. I live alone--I don't count the parakeet--and all I do is play Nintendo and listen to Miss Britney Spears--I like to keep up with the youth of America. I need...I need...I don't know what I need. Just help me. Please. Tell me what to do, Santa. I thought I'd try the personal ads, but such things are for losers. Plus, what if I place an ad and no one answers? Well, I'll just die, that's what. But if I don't get out and meet someone, it'll be me and the parakeet forever. But what if I do meet someone and she/he doesn't like Miss Britney? I don't think I could date someone who doesn't like Miss Britney. No, I can't--"movies are evil, movies are evil, movies are evil..."
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